omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
