Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
