suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
