you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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