Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
