I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
