Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
