i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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