oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
organizing the empties. That sober.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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