i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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