I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
too bad you live with your parents still
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
