i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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