Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
