I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
