if you like me you must not know who I am
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
