Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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