Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
