I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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