I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
