I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
