my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
