Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
