Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my shit smells like andre
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
