at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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