I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
