Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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