Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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