I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
