I wanna bring you to show and tell
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
