ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
