Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have post one night stand depression
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