so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
