Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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