god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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