I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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