and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
