we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
