You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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