I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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