I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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