I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
