how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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