apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
