If i come over, it means nothing
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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