i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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