i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
