Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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