i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
