ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
