Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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