I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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