so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
