Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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