Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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