I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
