turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
