I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
