My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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