I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
