Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
